Because complete strangers and well-meaning friends can say the darndest things.
Get loads of sleep now because when the baby comes you won’t get any.
OK, two points.
Firstly, chance would be a bloody fine thing. Sleeping when pregnant is hard due to whirling hormones, whirling emotions, an actual baby beating a frenzied tattoo on your womb wall, and so much bile rising in your throat you think you might choke to death.
Secondly, SLEEP ISN’T BANKABLE. If it was, we’d get ten hours a night straight in the run up to e.g. Glastonbury so that we can stay up all night when we’re there, consequence free. Got that? Good.
Have you had the baby yet?
You know what? I gave birth and completely forgot to tell you. Good job you asked.
So, about 5lb of that is the baby, a couple of pounds is placenta and there’s some water. Where’s the rest of the weight come from?
Ha ha ha ha ha! I kill you now. See also:
Are you sure there’s just one in there?
Because self-esteem about my huge, smelly and, frankly, alien body is so high right now. Nice one.
Should you be eating / drinking / doing that?
Woah – slipped my mind for a moment there that I was pregnant. Thanks for reminding me totally unqualified friend / stranger / arsehat of some outdated nonsense that women are patronised with when with child.
You should be wearing a baby on board badge.
And you, pal, should be wearing a dickhead badge. But here we are.
Nobody tells you this, but after the birth you go off your husband. Not just sexually.
Maybe nobody tells you because that’s your personal experience and not a universal truth? Ruddy hope so, anyway.
Women in the paddy fields, they give birth in the morning and they’re back working in the afternoon. Mind you, a lot of them prolapse, so…
WHERE THE FUCK IS TERRY TERRY GETTING THIS PADDY FIELD / PROLAPSE SHIT FROM? He keeps on going on about it.
We’ll come down a few days after you’ve given birth. You don’t want me and your mum waiting in the next room while you’re performing.
Actually, this was a good one. Just wanted to document Terry referring to labour as a performance. Which is how I’m going to think of it: George’s time to shine!