George Terry’s guide to winning at festivals

Glastonbury, festival guide

Some idiots enjoying Glastonbury

As festival season is nearly upon us (LOL) it feels like a good time to put together some tips on getting the most out of having fun in a field.

I have been to and/or played at pretty much every festival the UK has to offer except dance festivals, metal festivals and Latitude because I’m not a twat. So I’m the best person in the whole entire world to make this list and that is an absolute fact*.

Now that’s established, here’s what you should take/do/act at festivals, be it Glastonbury, Green Man, or even (whisper) Reading. It’s the definitive list, yeah? All other lists that say e.g. ‘take baby wipes’ or ‘drink water’ are for ninnies. So…

  1. Drink water. Yeah, I’ve just thought that through. Let’s say that on Sunday at Glastonbury this year, for *reasons* I breakfasted on cider and it DID NOT END WELL.

  2. Don’t take anti-poo pills. In fact, turn pooing into a competitive sport! The person who does the most festival poos is crowned shit-Lord-Kazoo at the end. Runner up is Fart Lady Fanny Pants. There is no turd place.

  3. Talking of the toilet: ladies, feel free to wipe the seat. Before you sit down like. It makes life so much better and reduces the chance of peeing on your shorts.

  4. Only arseholes piss on the seat.

  5. If you must crouch, it is MUCH better to balance with your hand on the back of the stall than to grip under the door.

  6. Only attempt to use a she-pee if you are wearing a skirt and no knickers. This applies to gentleman and ladies.

  7. Pissing in crowds is unacceptable.

  8. Unless you are super desperate.

  9. Pooing in crowds is not okay. 

    Bloody Katrin

    Bloody Katrin

  10. Never buy any food from a rat stall no matter how late it is or how tiddly you are. Never.

  11. Try to eat some food that isn’t yellow. Salad in e.g. a falafel wrap counts as a non-yellow dish.

  12. You can not take too many pairs of socks. How many pairs of socks do you think you need? Double that, and you still won’t have enough.

  13. People that take flags to carry around are idiots.

  14. It is useful to use idiots with flags as a guide to where you are in the crowd but check with the person carrying the flag that they aren’t about to surge to the front during Happy before you text your pals with your location.

  15. Accept that texts won’t go through and have a rock-solid back up plan for meeting, like in the old days.

  16. Don’t be envious of people swanning around with backstage passes. Backstage is well boring.

  17. If you do get a backstage pass it is only useful for utilising the backstage toilets. They’ll still be minging, mind. But the queues will be shorter.

  18. Air bed. AIR BED. 

    Philly without an air bed

    Philly sans air bed

  19. Wellies are really uncomfortable. You need to take them because this is England (or Scotland or Wales) but have an alternative such as your least good trainers to wear if possible.

  20. Malibu. Seriously. No matter how wet/cold you are, it is impossible not to feel the sunshine if you’re drinking Malibu.

  21. Umbrellas are really bloody annoying for everyone else. They should only be used as a parasol and then only when stationary.

  22. Philly enjoying milk

    Philly with milk

    After day one, everyone feels absolutely awful. Be as nice as you possibly can be. Yes, even to the idiot doing diablo.

  23. Katrin has taken to writing my phone number in Tippex on the back of her festival phone in case she loses it. This is a really good idea, although when she showed it to me I pretended it was a stupid one because I am a bad friend.

  24. Don’t, under any circumstances, call your parents. Trust me on this.

  25. Take something bright to wear so your friends can find you if you’ve lost yourself. This year, I’ve been wearing a jumper that is best described as ‘the Big Bird’. It is a thing of wonder and delight and acts like a homing beacon to e.g. Katrin.

  26. You should take Katrin with you, if possible. She’s generally got a Swiss Army knife and all kinds of useful shit.

  27. But do not leave Katrin alone in your tent. She will poo in it.

  28. Acceptable tent activities: the alphabet game, cards, having a small, private wee.

  29. Unacceptable tent activities: acoustic guitar, pooing.

  30. Blur are always a good idea. Yes, I know, I KNOW, Damon Albarn, Alex James. You’ll still have a good time. Promise.

  31. Don’t go to Reading.

Have I missed anything out? Doesn’t feel likely but if you think of any others feel free to holler.

Bye.

George xxx

Glastonbury, festival friends

Me and some festival friends

*May not be a fact

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About terryterryandtheterriers

Journalist, cheese fancier, dog adoration magnet. Contact: georgina dot terry at gmail dot com Twitter: @georginaterry
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